| Real talk. |
[27 Nov 2009|06:20pm] |
I haven't really updated about my life in a while, so here I am. I've lived in Los Angeles for almost a year and so much has happened. I moved out here to work in music. I thought I had reached my limit with the Arizona music scene and wanted to expand my possibilities. Sadly, things have not worked out that way. In fact, moving out here may have been the biggest mistake I could've made regarding my desired career. I have worked as an operator, a nanny, and within a few weeks I will be a nursing assistant. It's strange the way life changes right underneath you, and how you're told all through your youth that you can be whatever you want to be only to end up wishing it was that easy. Learning to deal with real life. Learning to adjust and accept that you gave up your dream job. I'm not upset that I moved... I can always go back, but I haven't given up hope for here either. I like it.
Enough with the wah-wah-wah's. I've been doing my clinicals in a nursing home where I found out I am married to Joe Franco of Tucson, AZ and that we were neighbors about 70 years ago. He told me he knew that I was born in heaven and that he picked some flowers for me that were the color of my eyes. Hazel flowers? Interesting. I sat for a while and held his hand after he kept trying to gently and sneakily touch mine. I don't think I can work in a nursing home tho. Too depressing.
Pictures? Lots and lots. (I am not worried about putting these behind a cut)
3am diner pimp
Fun with iPhone apps
He's such a betch.
William and I's beach breakfast.
Solve et Coagula
Post wisdom teeth removal
Fires.
Venice.
Casey moved to Austin.
The joys of tape.
The cake I decorated for Popps.
Love style.
Williams-Bruder.
These all belong to me.
Isabel.
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[30 Oct 2009|03:06pm] |
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i dont know whats going on outside, but theres an old man with a child and a bottle of tapatio sitting by the river surrounded by geese, and a man that works for the city just pulled up in a truck listening to madonna.
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| At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral |
[07 Oct 2009|07:20am] |
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Yesterday my dear friend, former boyfriend, and father to my close friend's son took his life. I'm having a really hard time with it... Thinking of Bear growing up without his Dad, thinking of Bear having to go to his fathers funeral, the fact that he probably won't grow up remembering him, poor Mary having to explain it to him... Especially when he gets old enough to ask and understand. He was a confused guy, but he tried hard to be a good person and a good friend. I remember in high school he tried to say he was a vegetarian and argued that the cafeteria burgers were soy. That's the kind of person he was. I'm having a hard time with this one. I wish I didn't have to keep reuniting with old friends over dead bodies. I wish suicide wasn't something I had to be all too familiar with. I know life is hard and shitty, but you can make it... You just have to believe you can. Rest now, Cody. You've broken a lot of hearts and spirits, but not the respect and love you have and always will receive. Now you can always look after your boy and don't have to be away from him anymore. God dammit. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| I need to figure myself out. |
[12 Sep 2009|09:26pm] |
Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?
Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.
Boy, dont you worry... youll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.
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| Bummer. |
[11 Sep 2009|06:20pm] |
So, Casey is pretty much the only person I hang out with out here... she moved out here from AZ a few months before I did and we were the only people we knew, so naturally we would hang out. She lived in North Hollywood tho and it was always an inconvenience to meet up and hang out, but about a month ago she needed a new place to live and we had an extra room. This made things a lot easier, obviously, and also made things a lot better for me here because I always had someone to hang out with who wanted to go out and I wouldn't have to get angry or upset because Bill wasn't around or didn't want to go do what I wanted to do. It actually helped Bill and I's relationship. Well, now (about a month after she moved in) she's saying she's moving to Austin. I'm not exactly sure when, but I know within the next few months. I overheard her talking on the phone today to someone with a room available in Austin. This really bums me out because I won't have anyone to hang out with anymore... go to the bar with, go to the beach with, go do stupid shopping shit with. And it's going to create tension for Bill and I again if I just sit at home with nothing to do and am constantly getting frustrated about it. I am happy that she's moving to a new, better city... but it just reminds me how I have no friends here. To be honest, I don't know if I'd still be here if I wasn't dating Bill. I want to move too, but don't want to have to break up with him for it. It's like stay and be bummed, or leave and be bummed. I wish he hadn't of bought this house... now it's like he's chained to this city. *sigh* I wish something good would happen.
edit: she leaves next month.
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| I love them all. |
[12 Aug 2009|09:33pm] |
Fritz and Heidi
Biscuits and Gus Hotel
Taken from my backyard
So many animals = Happy Kim
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[31 Jul 2009|01:46pm] |
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I'm trying to go back to school and get my associates degree. I graduated high school when I was 16 and have been out of school since I was 20, and also haven't had a real math class since I was 15 which was geometry. Getting into college here, even a community college, is harder than AZ... but I got accepted and am now trying to do the necessary steps to sign up for classes. I need to take my assessment tests again, and I did good on english and reading... but math, god, please kill me. I only did the first section, which is supposed to be pretty basic arithmetic. I couldn't remember what scientific notation was, how to determine speed, how to find out what percent of 36 80 is. It was awful. Really made me feel like an idiot and gave me a lot of anxiety. I know whatever I test into is going to be embarrassingly low. And I thought going back to school was supposed to make you feel good about yourself.
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| A good day. |
[31 Jul 2009|12:54am] |
A comic I found amusing... mostly just the drawings.
Bill and his house. Newly purchased gem by the Los Angeles River.
On our way to the fashion show. My first one... exciting.
Oh, ya know, just me and Billy Corgan.
Fashion show featuring the work of Jared Gold of Germany's Next Top Model
Bill and "Jeff"
Me and the spider that weaves a web in the most insensible places every night, but are always gone by morning.
Picture post short, I had a good day and it was a nice change. I experienced new things and felt a little more excited about being here. Hopefully there's more of that to come. Also, I've been watching a lot of The Mighty Boosh and am thinking in a British accent... so know that this whole thing was typed out with me talking like a Brit inside me head. Am excited to sleep now.
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[28 Jun 2009|01:40pm] |
FAMILY - My family has been the bane of my existence and my greatest inspiration; I love them dearly. I am most definitely the black sheep of the family, and find myself butting heads with particularly my sister fairly often. Their lack of tolerance for things they don't understand can be quite annoying sometimes, but I suppose my tolerance of things can be annoying to them as well. I am a lot like my father, sometimes so much to the point where I stop a realize "Oh god, that was such a Ken Bruder thing to do," but my Dad is unlike any other father I've ever met. He's truly a renaissance man.. from his hang gliding, to go-kart racing, to his tribute bands, to his intelligence, to his parenting. He lives by the motto "It's never too late to live a happy childhood" and has taught me to demand respect from those around more than anyone could. My fondest childhood memories will always involve him, and I'm glad he's my Dad. My mother is one my best friends, easily, if not my best. I can go to her for anything, and even if she doesn't like what I have to say she will not judge me for anything. When I have no where to go, have no one that will understand... she does, and sympathizes, and that's the most wonderful thing I could ask for. I often don't even have to ask for her assistance, but she knows when I need it. Without my mother I don't know if I'd still be here. She keeps faith in me when I can't keep it in myself and she'll never know how thankful I am for that. I know both of my parents are very proud of me, and I hope they know I am proud of them. My sister and I are polar opposites, and while I don't want to go into detail of why, I know that she really cares about me and that I bring as aspect to her life she would've never otherwise experienced. She builds my patience and the fact that I have to accept other people's opinions and I appreciate her for that a lot. She wants to be a good person, and that deserves being recognized and respected. I know that my family is all I really can depend on, and that's ok with me.
PHOTOGRAPHY - I love photography because it forces one to capture things and look at objects in ways that they might otherwise never notice or see. I love going through old photographs and remembering things I probably never would have remembered if I didn't have that glossy piece of paper to remind me. It's one of the things I am most grateful for because of that reason. I can look back on a photo I've taken and stare at it for a long time and so many memories will come flooding back to me, stirring so many emotions inside of me. Sometimes making me smile, sometimes making me cry, making me remember all the things that have made me who I am. I love looking at other people's photography because it captures who they are as a person, even if it's not a picture of the photographer. The content of the photo, the composition, and the things they decide are photo worthy really give an insight into the person's mind. You're looking through the eye of someone else, and I love being able to see what someone else saw in that moment that needed to be captured and held in time. Photography is timeless and requires you to look outside yourself and see the beauty in things that will pass in seconds. It's more than knowing how to use a camera, it's knowing how to capture a raw moment and keep it that way forever.
L.A. - Los Angeles has been... an experience for me. Good or bad? I don't know yet. In fact, this is almost a touchy subject for me. I went from being on my way to my dream job, having more friends than I could manage, and feeling like I was someone... to being unemployed, having two friends I rarely see and only know from Arizona, and feeling like a nobody. Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable here, I just feel a little lost. I moved out here to try and advance my "career" in the music industry, figuring this was the place to go. When I got here I found out there's a million other people all trying to do the same thing as me, and are equally (if not more) qualified. Making friends is hard because there's so many people... it's hard to sift through which ones are good people. Plus, when you don't know anyone your confidence to be friendly and socialize gets shot. Not to mention the fact that meeting girl friends is hard enough even when you are comfortable, and I can't really make guy friends with a boyfriend, because lets face it, guys don't talk to girls to just make friends... no matter what the girl's intention is. I sit at home a lot and have become pretty domesticated. I love living with my boyfriend and we rarely have trouble getting along. If it weren't for him I'd probably be back in AZ. I'm not unhappy in Los Angeles... I've just had to adjust things that I never really wanted adjusted and it's taking some getting used to. Like, possibly deciding a new career, and getting used to hanging out with myself. Also, I've lived here 7 months and none of my AZ friends have come to visit. They come close, surrounding towns, or say they'll come... but they don't. I try not to hold it against anyone, but it does bum me out. I thought people would be excited to come see me out here. I'll end with this... I am proud of myself for coming here. I wasn't afraid to get of Arizona and try, especially in this big city. I know things will happen. I just need to not lose faith.
FRIENDSHIP - Friendship has never been a really consistent thing for me. While I always have friends, I've never remained particularly close with anyone over the years. I'll gain a friend and we become as tight as a knot, and then something happens and we fall apart like a dying flower. It bums me out, because some of the reasons I just don't understand. It makes me bitter. Though the friends I do have I've had for many many years now, just none that have remained consistent in closeness. My friends are all wonderful people tho and each contribute something that the other cannot. I take a lot of pride in being a good friend, and I know that that has come back to me in allowing me to have really great friends that are there for me. I guess that's kind of contradicting to my above statement. Let's put it this way... I have really great friends that I can say a lot to, friends that have been consistently great over the years, but their are some who I really thought would stand the test of time and have let me down. I feel like I'm going back and forth. I will say that regardless of whatever has happened to me and my friends... I miss you all every single day, and I appreciate what we did/do have. You're the best things that have ever happened to me. I love you.
(the) FUTURE - Has never been such a fuzzy grey blob before. I don't know where I'm going right now. I'm just taking things one day at a time, which I've never really done before. It's making me really anxious. I was planning on going to school to become a nursing assistant, not because that's what I want to do but because it's decent money and not a lot of training. But I didn't make it into the program and have until December to decide if it's really what I want to do. I still want to be a tour manager, but that goal is becoming less of a priority due to lack of opportunities and my fear of it ruining my relationship (that's a secret.) I've discovered a love for cooking and think it would be really great to own a little cafe or something, but I always thought I'd do something great. I remind myself that I am only 21, and I have a lot of time, but I still feel a little stagnant. Fuck it, I will do something great. I will be great. My future is bright because I am a good person and will make good things happen.
respond with your name if you want, and i'll give you five words that remind me of you...then you go to your LJ and write out what each of the words mean to YOU :)
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[26 Jun 2009|01:17pm] |
I decided to go down to the coroner's office to get as close to Michael Jackson pre-burial as I'll ever get. It was pretty much a media frenzy, with some fans standing by though not as many as I expected. It was interesting to see and document such a momentous occasion in pop-culture. Here's what I saw...
Ironically across the street...
Where the Coroner will be making his statement in a few minutes
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[26 Jun 2009|12:16am] |
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Michael Jackson's body is being autopsied 3 miles from me. Hm. I'm almost tempted to drive over there just to see the building he's in.
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[20 Jun 2009|11:22am] |
I met my family in Vegas since it was a fairly short drive and mom gave me gas money. My dad is playing a show here tonight at some casino about 5 miles off the strip. Kind of in the middle of no where... but good for him.
We went and saw Zumanity last night, the very sexualized version of Cirque de Sole for those of you who don't know. I must say, it was fantastic and I really enjoyed myself... especially watching it with my family who gets uncomfortable when any type of homosexuality is touched on, and all the breasts. My brother in law is very into UFC and wrestling, and makes a frequent point to let people know he isn't gay, so I was largely pleased by the piece about the eroticism of wrestling which built up to the two men getting more and more aggressive until they kissed. Oh, I was delighted at the lack of comfort I could feel emitting from the seat next to me. I highly recommend the show. It was a brilliant celebration of the beauty of sexuality.
"Are their parts of your lovers body you haven't discovered,
that have been left untouched,
left untasted?
Well then the question is 'What are you waiting for?'"
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[12 Jun 2009|03:51pm] |
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Reading old livejournal entries is the most entertaining things you can do. I miss being a teenager. God damnit.
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[26 May 2009|08:36pm] |
So, I got "laid off." Which is actually somewhat of a huge relief seeing as I never hated a job more... primarily due to the manager. But, finding a job in LA feels like looking for hay in a needle stack. Still, I'm bound to find something better than what I had. I can collect unemployment. I was crying this afternoon before I went into work, now that I have no work, oddly, I feel much better. The more I contemplate the face of never having to work with that crazy excuse of a human being manager again, the more delighted I become.
I had to put one of my fish down... which was horrible depressing to watch, but we did it the most humane way we could. My tank is infected with "hole in the head" disease, which literally makes their heads rot away. I came here with 4 fish... I am down to one. Poor Brisby, all alone. RIP Eurik, King of the Ice Bears. He was buried next to his brethren.
Edit:
I have an interview on friday as a nanny. HA.
Here are some pictures:
What hole in the head disease looks like
Mom looks goofy after a hike
My dad the rockstar
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| What's worse than being fired? |
[25 May 2009|02:24pm] |
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Being gradually given less and less hours until you have no choice but to quit so they don't have to deal with you getting unemployment. Fuckers. Four hours this week? There's nothing I hate more than you, work.
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[15 May 2009|08:31am] |
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It's strange that I used to be able to sleep until 2pm sometimes and that was ok by me, but now I feel guilty and like I should be up if I'm in bed past 9am. I miss 2pm sleep days... sorta.
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5_3_10_4's journal
